Biden once said that if he and Trump were in high school, he’d “take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him.” Noah thinks a public fight benefiting a charity is in order.
“Let’s get ready to stumble!” — TREVOR NOAH, in sports announcer voice
“It’s a win-win. Biden gets to stand up to Trump and Trump gets to secretly keep the money for charity. Everyone wins.” — TREVOR NOAH
Jay Leno Is Not Into Edibles
The former “Tonight Show” host Jay Leno made a return visit, introduced as an angry man Jimmy Fallon had seen shouting outside. Once on stage, Leno ranted about American fast food, the obesity epidemic and the pointlessness of edible underwear.
“There’s no other country in the world where people eat other people’s underpants. Even the Taliban did not eat other people’s underpants. I mean, why do we have this product? Are we so bored with lovemaking? Have we become that lazy? ‘You know, honey, I’d like to have sex. I’m also hungry. I don’t want to get up. Hey, let’s just eat each other’s underpants!’” — JAY LENO
The Punchiest Punchlines (Biden Edition)
“When asked about Joe Biden running for president, Democratic candidate Kamala Harris said, ‘Come on in, the water is warm.’ That’s what she said. That’s a true quote. That’s what she said. Then Bernie Sanders said, ‘That’s because I may have peed in it.’” — CONAN O’BRIEN
“Get this: Biden already has special campaign merchandise for sale on his website. Take a look. There’s Joe Biden mugs. Biden pins, Biden tote bags and, of course, Biden massagers.” — JIMMY FALLON
“It was reported today that Joe Biden is leading Bernie Sanders by eight points. Yeah, no, no, not in the polls — in their weekly game of shuffleboard.” — CONAN O’BRIEN
“[Biden] spent eight years as America’s vice president and surprise masseuse, but before that, he had a whole career that you might not know about. You know, kind of like how some people only know Billy Ray Cyrus from Lil Nas X’s ‘Old Town Road’ remix. And like Billy Ray, Biden was doing his own thing for decades before he was made cool by a young black man.” — TREVOR NOAH
The Bits Worth Watching
After several days of mentioning (for some reason) Dead or Alive’s catchy 1985 hit “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record),” Jimmy Fallon enlisted Paul Rudd for a shot-by-shot re-creation of the video. It was their third video remake, and they spent most of Wednesday shooting it — the same day Wu-Tang Clan was performing on “The Tonight Show.”
“I wanted to meet Wu-Tang Clan so badly, but I wouldn’t leave the room,” recalled Rudd, who had put on a goth pirate get-up complete with eye patch. “I thought, ‘I’m not. I don’t want to meet Wu-Tang Clan like this.’”